38w4d in denial about being pregnant

I found out I was pregnant at 3w2d and went to the doctor straight away. My betas were 11 and they did my first round of IVIG but were hesitant to offer any congratulations, saying that I needed at least a 50 on the betas. I knew that 11 was low, but I also knew that I found out I was pregnant pretty early. Three days later my betas were 80 and I was officially declared pregnant and told my due date was 28 December 2016. For the first 12 weeks I was scared of miscarrying even though I was on IVIG, baby aspirin, and progesterone cream. They say 1 in 3 women miscarry and with high NK cells I'm sure my odds of miscarrying were higher.

After 12 weeks I was feeling better and just hoped to make it to 24 weeks, which is considered viability. Then at 20w7d I started leaking fluid. After a few stressful hours in the early morning in the ER I found out that everything was ok.

I made it passed my second trimester and was smack dab in the middle of my third when I found out at 34w7d that the baby, who had always been at or ahead of dates, was now a few weeks behind. I know that at that point measurements can vary by as many as 4 weeks. However, it's not very comforting when everything was measuring fine before then. Two weeks later, the measurements were better, but still didn't match up so they pushed the due date back until 6 January 2017. The doctor seemed not to worry and induction was never mentioned. I know in the US they seem to induce by 39 weeks at the latest when there are immune issues involved. I guess Korea is different. I'm honestly surprised I got this far. My water broke with my daughter early in the morning at 37w2d and she was born at 37w4d. Now I'm 38w4d and I have a feeling I will be late.

I think due to the miscarriages I had before I don't want to get my hopes up. I know I'm pregnant, but I'm in denial. It's hard for me to connect to the baby. It feels weird to think that there's a little human inside of me. I definitely don't feel as excited as I did when I was pregnant with my daughter. I just want to get this all over with and have a healthy baby. I only got sick once in the first trimester and started wearing maternity clothes in my first trimester. I had some bad leg cramps in the second trimester. I've also been having Braxton Hicks throughout the third trimester. I haven't gained much weight. In fact, I haven't gained any weight since 21 weeks, but my belly keeps getting bigger.

I've finally started taking some photos of me being pregnant, but nothing like when I was pregnant with my daughter and took weekly photos. I feel more cold and objective. I file all the paperwork and organise the ultrasounds so that I can make a claim with my insurance. I have all the paperwork we need to get the baby's American passport, CRBA, and SSN as well the the Peruvian passport, DNI, and birth certificate. But the excitement's not there. I'm just holding my breath hoping that everything will be ok. My doctor is supportive. Surprisingly they haven't said anything about me having a home birth.

I also feel like a part of my freedom is being taken away. My daughter just turned 5 a few months ago. She was breastfed until she was 4 and we co-slept until she was nearly 4.5 years old. She still sneaks into my bed in the morning. But now she's independent. She can get dressed, get herself food, I can leave her alone in the bath, she picks up her toys. I can have some me time. Once the baby comes, all that will go away. I'll be starting over for the next 5 years. This baby was very much planned and wanted, but I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Soon, this pregnancy will come to an end and we will have another little human in the house.

For more info, you can see how much this has cost, I also have a summary of dates, as well as my Rx protocol.